For Campbell Brown
1.
HIGH SCHOOL SPEECH AND DEBATE is an academic activity typically available to students. Similar to athletic sports, speech and debate activities are challenging, competitive in nature, and require regular practice, coaching, dedication, and hard work.
WAIT – tell me again about what it means to win. We are standing under fluorescent cafeteria lights & you are PROGRAM ORAL INTERPRETATION champion & i’m CONGRESSIONAL DEBATE champion for arguing against my own rights. we’re the monsters we both knew we were & we don’t know how to do anything but win.
WAIT – tell me again how the world’s ending & tell me again about SOKO NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION tell me we’re stuck in highschool & WAIT. tell me again about HARVARD NATIONAL DEBATE TOURNAMENT where i became the monster congressional debater i feared i’d become & i became the mirror of my own torment &
WAIT – you look beautiful under this light, cam, it’s obvious you & your nyx-shade-copenhagen lipstick are meant to be immortalized on this stage & we are terrified of who we’re becoming & winning is for those who become the monsters we fear we are.
MORALITY becomes an illusion in HIGH SCHOOL SPEECH AND DEBATE
(i remember when vedh shetty pretended to be queer without understanding the
pitfalls to win, i remember when prep school boy became representative of
everything wrong with this activity & this life, i remember when jay shapiro was
banned from the tournament of champions because he stalked a freshman, i
remember when my debate captain told me i’d never be anything worth
remembering because i lost a round)
WAIT – WELCOME to high school speech & debate, where all kids go to drown & spend years talking to walls at six in the morning & where i face sexist comments like YOUR PLACE IN THIS ROUND IS DERIVED FROM THE LENGTH OF YOUR SKIRT & i’m sorry but you’re too feminine for this event. maybe try harder.
2.
there is something poetic about this, how we go to ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY every year to get our hopes & dreams dashed on. i don’t know where the poet starts & where the debater ends. we pretend we’re going to be okay & that we can solve all the world’s problems & we can win.
WAIT – remember when we did win? where we held metal trophies & the immortalization of us under brighter lights we knew some girl in phoenix wouldn’t be able to afford? remember when winning, for one small moment, wasn’t something representative of being the monster we thought everyone else was? remember when SPEECH AND DEBATE chewed us up & spit us out whole
become swallowheart :: swallowtail :: swallowskin :: become trophy-winning
monster who only sees themself walk in S L O W M O T I O N & fall in
love with something greater than ourselves
WAIT. maybe this is how we end. maybe we do this over & over & over again, trying to chase down the high of winning. maybe we pretend that we’re not losing ourselves every saturday. maybe we do lines & take shots & pretend we’re good enough to be considered CHAMPION. maybe HIGH SCHOOL SPEECH & DEBATE rots us whole. maybe this time, we let it.
arushi (aera) rege is a queer, chronically in pain, Indian-American poet in senior year in high school. They tweet occasionally @academic_core and face the perils of instagram @arushiaerarege. Their chapbooks, exit wounds (no point of entry), and BROWN GIRL EPIPHANY, are forthcoming with Kith Books and fifth wheel press. They are the EIC of nightshade lit, Bus Talk, and Draupadi Interviews. You can find their website at arushiaerarege.carrd.co.